Balance

We all compare ourselves to others at some time or another, and easily can end up allowing ourselves to imagine we need more of something, something that we perceive someone else getting, something that we don’t have enough of. . We can imagine that someone is favorite and receiving special treatment, and from there it is not too far to imagine thinking of ways to sabotage the favorite one. We plot against them, rationalize why it is ok to do so, as we heard in the first reading from Wisdom, and spend time with others who think like us so we feel more justified. Ultimately, if this is left to go unchecked, we can end up destroying the “other.” We have let our passions go unchecked and allowed them to dominate our thinking and feelings until they erupt in destructive ways.

The apostles when walking to Capernaum were headed that way. Earlier in this same chapter in Mark, Jesus had chosen four apostles to go up the mountain and witness the transfiguration. Can you imagine what an honor that may have been to the four who went? It would be hard not to imagine that you were one of Jesus’ favorite and that Jesus thought you special. Imagine how the others left behind might have felt. They were probably hanging around, doing whatever work needed to be done, doing the mundane tasks that were done daily, likely in community. Then Jesus and the four came back. I can only imagine that the ones left behind felt left out. As time went on, perhaps there were secret discussions among the four who went. Perhaps the eight who were left behind started feeling jealous, resentful of the four, and maybe even against Jesus for not taking them all. Easily this could have begun infighting and discord among the apostles. It is easy now to imagine the four, arguing among themselves about who were the greatest, and the other eight seething.

The apostles were people. It is hard for me not to imagine them having similar thoughts as to what I might have when I let my passions get the best of me. Its part of our makeup and with unchecked passions come the seeds of divisiveness and an us against them mentality. Hardly a way to find community of peace and love.

Jesus asked them what they were arguing about and they could not answer him. Likely, they felt ashamed and knew they were missing the mark. Jesus answered their question anyways and it opens the door to a deeper spiritual understanding and growth. He tells them if they wish to be first, then they must be last and a servant to all. What a conundrum? How can being last be first? How can one be a servant to all?

There are people we know who are always helping others, always in service, who do the bulk of the work that needs to be done to get things done. It is tempting for us to think they are “the servant to all” because they are visibly in service to others. On deeper inspection, though, they may be exhausted and resentful or full of pride about what they do or feel superior to those who cannot or do not want to engage in that way. On the other hand, they may not.  I remember during the Gulf war feeling ashamed by a group of peace activists because I wasn’t doing more than making cookies for a rally. At the time, I was working full time, a single mom and was ill with hepatitis. It was all I could do. I was angry with them, they, I believed were angry with me. I didn’t want to have to explain myself nor did I believe they would accept my reasons and soon afterwards left the group.  My need to be a helper in this case was based less on humility and more on pride. I didn’t know what I could handle. I was learning how to allow myself the freedom to have energy at the end of the day. Leave a little energy in the bank so as not to feel depleted. I wondered if that was ok, or if I was just being selfish.

Even Mother Theresa was filled with the challenges of being human.

As I have thought about this, I have begun to wonder if being a servant to all, includes being a servant to one’s self, being aware of one’s frailties and strengths, not taking on more than is possible, not comparing yourself to what others can do, but doing that what God asks us to do.  We come to realize that we must treat ourselves as we treat our neighbor and when we do, we are able to welcome each other with love and concern more often than not because we are not frazzled, or jealous or hurt. We are not always hospitable when we are spiritually, physically, or emotionally bankrupt. We owe it to ourselves and to everyone around us to remember that we are in need of love and concern too and when we are full, we are much more able to practice compassion and concern for even the least among us, allowing ourselves to be with a ser